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The False Self From Childhood

Weekly excerpt to help us remember the sacred.

Awakin.org
Weekly Reading Jun 24, 2024

The False Self From Childhood

–Eric Jones

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2702.jpgI ran across a developmental psychology theory not long ago that I’ve had bouncing around in the back of my head ever since. It comes from the pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who coined the term “good-enough mother” to describe the everyday kind of parent who does their best to meet their child’s needs and only fails at doing so in ordinary and understandable, even inevitable ways. His theory is about the origins and development of two distinct selves in each of us, a “true self” and a “false self.”

As babies and very young children, Winnicott says, each of us instinctively expresses our true selves: we cry when we’re hungry or tired or in distress; as toddlers, we act with creativity and spontaneity without much (if any) thought about what’s correct or proper, and we can have the most dramatic emotional outbursts when we don’t get what we want. We can’t help but express our true selves when we’re very young, because we can’t do otherwise; we need what we need and we want what we want, and we do our best to get it.

And here’s the crux of the whole thing: If our caregivers are attuned and capable, if they’re able to read our true expressions of need and want and (mostly) gratify them most of the time, it strengthens a belief in us that our most honest needs are okay, and that we ourselves are relatable and worthy. If we receive this “true self” recognition and reassurance as children, then we’re much more likely to move into adulthood connected to our true self, willing to live openly, alive and present to our most deeply felt longings.

But some of us don’t get that much-needed reassurance. As very young children we express our truest needs and our caregivers can’t respond adequately or consistently, due to things like depression or addiction, and we come to learn that our most basic needs aren’t acceptable or relatable. Winnicott says that in cases like this a child becomes “compliant,” meaning they don’t just stop expressing their truest needs to caregivers unable or unwilling to meet them, they lose touch with those deepest needs by convincing themselves they weren’t the very things they needed in the first place. This adaptive story is, according to Winnicott, the birth of the “false self,” which is also the compliant self.

More simply put, I think the theory is that when we’re very young, we need to have adults around us who are strong enough and capable enough and loving enough that we can express our wants and desires with as much anti-social self-centeredness as humanly possible, and they will consistently love us unconditionally, accept us, and give us what we need most of the time. By doing so, they teach us that we can truly be our most authentic selves and the world will still hold us, accept us, even love us. And when we don’t get that, we learn the opposite: that the world might not accept us and almost certainly won’t love us if we express our true needs or callings. And even more, we’ll do such a good job convincing ourselves we don’t want what we in fact need, that we’ll live lives divorced from our creativity and passions because we can’t find our way back to them after those first and formative lies. We’ll be lost in our false selves, accommodating others, not trusting the world to be strong or capable enough to hold us dearly.

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How do you relate to young people’s need for safety such that basic wants and desires can be expressed with as much anti-social self-centeredness as humanly possible, and still be loved unconditionally? Can you share a personal story of a time you retained the connection to your authentic self due to unconditional acceptance of your need? What helps you balance the need for authenticity with the harm caused by unskillful expression of our need?

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Sister Marilyn: To Come and See

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June 24, 2024

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Sister Marilyn: To Come and See

It doesn’t matter where I’m from, where our past is, or what our future might be. We are here now. So let’s relate with one another.

– Sister Marilyn Lacey –

Sister Marilyn: To Come and See

At age 18 and new to the convent, Sister Marilyn Lacey turned down an invitation — an opportunity to connect — explaining she didn’t think human relations was her field. Later on, she got an invitation she couldn’t refuse to “come and see” the suffering in South Sudan. She accepted, and that experience and invitation led to many more invitations to invite people into her life, “into that connectedness that I now know is so incredibly central.” In this short video, she gives examples of interactions that were not transactional but relational, especially an unforgettably moving one about the generosity of someone begging for alms. Sister Marilyn focuses on invitations as opposed to information such that when someone asks her where she lives, she says, “Come and see.” She realizes now that human relations might just be her field after all. { read more }

Be The Change

Be open. Take the risk of inviting people into your life. Accept an invitation you might otherwise turn down. Find the connection. Examine how it enriched your life.

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Exploring the Science of Everyday Wonder

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June 23, 2024

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Exploring the Science of Everyday Wonder

We can find awe, then, in eight wonders of life: moral beauty, collective effervescence, nature, music, visual design, spirituality and religion, life and death, and epiphany.

– Dacher Keltner –

Exploring the Science of Everyday Wonder

In an insightful discussion, Dacher Keltner, a renowned psychologist and author delves into the science of everyday wonder and its profound impact on our lives. Keltner explores how awe-inspiring experiences, whether found in nature, art, or human connections, can enhance well-being, foster resilience, and even improve physical health. He emphasizes that moments of wonder are accessible to everyone and can be cultivated through mindful practices and openness to new experiences. Keltner also speaks about the biological and neurological underpinnings of awe, explaining how it activates the parasympathetic nervous system, leading to reduced stress and a sense of calm. He shares practical advice on incorporating awe into daily life, such as spending time outdoors, engaging in creative activities, or simply pausing to appreciate small wonders around us. { read more }

Be The Change

In the last couple of days when have you encountered the feeling of awe? How about being present and noticing something extraordinary in the ordinary today and sharing this experience with someone you care about?

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People Dread This Type Of Social Interaction But It Has Benefits

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June 22, 2024

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People Dread This Type Of Social Interaction But It Has Benefits

Communication is merely an exchange of information, but connection is an exchange of our humanity.

– Sean Stephenson –

People Dread This Type Of Social Interaction But It Has Benefits

Researchers find that people who have richness and diversity in relationships experience greater life satisfaction and overall well-being. An important part of that diversity comes from talking to strangers, and they found there was “deep delight and joy that ensued from these unexpected encounters.” Whether in a supermarket, coffee shop, or on a walk, a smile, a nod, a simple hello, or brief conversation can help people feel less lonely. Additionally, “Consequential strangers in the wider reaches of our personal social networks expose us to new ideas and experiences, different perspectives, a greater swath of opportunities.” While people may fear a negative response, research suggests, in most cases, the response will be welcoming, and well worth making a connection. { read more }

Be The Change

Find opportunities to connect, human to human, in your daily life. Ask a stranger how their day is going, give a thumbs up to someone who showed extra care, or simply share a genuine smile. Exchange some humanity!

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The Sarvodaya Shramadana Movement of Sri Lanka

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June 21, 2024

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The Sarvodaya Shramadana Movement of Sri Lanka

We build the road and the road builds us.

– Dr. A.T. Ariyaratne –

The Sarvodaya Shramadana Movement of Sri Lanka

The Sarvodaya Shramadana Movement, founded by the late Dr. A. T. Ariyaratne, is considered to be the largest non-governmental organization in Sri Lanka. Straddling the roles of a grassroots development program, peace movement, social service network, and microfinance scheme, this movement transcends traditional methodologies with people-centered innovations. Driven by values and beliefs inherent in South Asian culture, the movement has spent over half a century engaging millions in the practice of shared work and labor, fostering community and impacting the lives of the underprivileged, rural sections of society. The Sarvodaya Shramadana Movement mirrors the axiom, “We build the road and the road builds us,” illustrating the powerful potential of cooperative action. { read more }

Be The Change

Do a simple act of compassion for another person or form of life today. As inspiration, learn more about the late Dr. A. T. Ariyaratne { more }

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A Broken House

This week’s inspiring video: A Broken House
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Video of the Week

Jun 20, 2024
A Broken House

A Broken House

The Syrian architect Mohamad Hafez received a one-way ticket to the United States. Missing his homeland, he decided to create a stand-in, sculpting life-like miniatures of the Damascus cityscape he had left behind. Using materials found in nature, thrift stores, flea markets and trash, Hafez creates miniature worlds that remind him of that home. After 9/11, he was unable to return to Syria and as an architecture student, he transformed his homesickness into creativity. This process has helped him to make peace with the separation from his family and homeland, and to remember what it is that makes all of us human no matter what trauma we have experienced or where we live. Winner of the International Documentary Association (IDA) Award for Best Documentary Short, "A Broken House" is among the most celebrated documentaries of 2022.
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Captioning Ubuntu

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June 20, 2024

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Captioning Ubuntu

What you see in others is a reflection of who you truly are.

– Wakanyi Hoffman –

Captioning Ubuntu

Our stories are a product of countless other stories in time and space. In South Africa, there is a saying that translates to: “A person is a person through other persons.” In Kenya, there is a saying that translates to, “A person is other people.” Both adages echo the essence of “ubuntu” — systems of values that honor deep interconnectedness. Storyteller and author Wakanyi Hoffman illustrates personal expressions of ubuntu through her daughter’s graduation, a friend’s traditional wedding dress that travelled from Kenya to the Netherlands to Japan, and two photos: one of family, and the other of a heartwarming expression of togetherness — one between two monkeys and a wild pig. Through a tapestry of stories, Hoffman discerns the difference between detachment and disconnection, and the possibilities that unfold when we choose to prefer love. Echoing Maya Angelou, who stated, “I come as one but I stand as ten thousand,” Hoffman notes, “I come here as one, but I am one … of ten thousand ancestors who have made so many decisions in order for me to be sitting here today.” { read more }

Be The Change

Honor someone whose story intersects or has informed your own today. As a fun bonus, suggest a caption in the story comments for the animal photo.

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Why Age Diversity Is a Strength at Work

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June 18, 2024

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Why Age Diversity Is a Strength at Work

When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.

– Alexander Den Heijer –

Why Age Diversity Is a Strength at Work

Research suggests many benefits from age diversity in the workplace. Among them are better performance results, reduction in age and other biases, and two-way mentoring that can expand learning all around. Tips include purposefully forming diverse groups and teams of people of all ages, life stages, and generations in order to reap the benefits. And there is this: Be a perennial! Perennial is a new term to describe people who defy generational expectations, who are “ever-blooming, relevant people of all ages who live in the present time, know what’s happening in the world, stay current with technology, and have friends of all ages.” “Older perennials find ways to project that they’re young at heart. Younger ones tend to be old souls…” { read more }

Be The Change

How might you create an environment where more intergenerational moments bloom? Try out one of the tips whether at work or in your personal life. Be a perennial!

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Listening Is A Great Art

Weekly excerpt to help us remember the sacred.

Awakin.org
Weekly Reading Jun 17, 2024

Listening Is A Great Art

–J. Krishnamurti

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2700.jpgYou know, listening is a great art. It is one of the great arts we have not cultivated: to listen completely to another. When you listen so completely to another, as I hope you are doing it now, you are also listening to yourself, listening to your own problems, to your own uncertainties, to your own misery, confusion, the desire for security, the gradual degradation of the mind, which is becoming more and more mechanical. We are talking over together what human beings are, which is you. So you psychologically are the world and the world is you. You may have dark hair, somewhat brown faces, others may be taller, fairer with eyes slanted, but wherever they live, in whatever clime, in whatever circumstances, affluent or not, every human being, like you, goes through all this turmoil, the noise of life, without any beauty, never seeing the splendour in the grass, or the glory in the flower. So you and I and the others are the world, because you suffer, your neighbor suffers, whether that neighbor be ten thousand miles away, they are similar to you. Your culture may be different, your language may be different, but basically, inwardly, deeply, you are like another. And that’s a fact. This is not a theory, this is not something that you have to believe. It’s a fact. And so you are the world and the world is you. I hope you are listening to it. As I said, we have lost the art of listening. To listen to a statement of that kind that the world is you and you are the world, probably you have never heard this before, and so it might sound very strange, illogical or unreal. So you partially listen and wish that I would go on talking more about other things; so you never actually listen to the truth of anything. If I may request you, please, kindly listen not only to the speaker, but also listen to yourself, listen to what is happening in your mind, in your heart, in your responses and so on. Listen to all that. Listen to the birds, listen to that car going by, so that we become sensitive, alive, active. So if you will kindly so listen, we can then proceed.

Humanity has evolved from the ape and so on, according to the scientists, for many, many million years. Our brain is the result of many, many millennia of time. That brain, that human mind, is now so conditioned with fear, with anxiety, with national pride, with linguistic limitations, and so on. So the question then is, to bring about a different society in the world, you as a human being who is the rest of humankind, must radically change. That is the real issue, not how to prevent wars. That’s also an issue, how to have peace in the world, that is secondary, all these are peripheral, secondary issues. The fundamental issue is—is it possible for the human mind, which is your mind, your heart, your condition, is that possible to be totally, fundamentally, deeply transformed? Otherwise we are going to destroy each other, through our national pride, through our linguistic limitations, through our nationalism which the politicians maintain for their own benefit and so on and on and on.

So I hope I have made the point very clear. That is, is it possible for you as a human being who is the rest of humanity psychologically, inwardly, you are like the rest of other human beings living in the world, is it possible for your condition to change?

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What does listening to the truth of something mean to you? Can you share a personal story of a time you became deeply aware that you were the world and the world was you? What helps you to radically change in response to an issue you perceive?

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About Awakin

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I Double Dare You

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June 17, 2024

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I Double Dare You

We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone… and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one’s life and all the weavings of individual threads form one to another that creates something.

– Sandra Day O’Connor –

I Double Dare You

In a world brimming with jarring headlines and amplified messages of the ever-widening rifts across worldviews, a striking poem by Pavi Mehta unveils a tapestry of ways in which we are inextricably connected. “The edges of things are always deceptive / because we are taught to believe / in endings and beginnings,” she begins, observing how “people like to put thingsin their places.” Yet, the visceral experience of life doesn’t always have such clear delineations, such as when “the red of your heart spills / into the red of the rose spills / into the red of the sunset spills / into mehendi on the hands of a bride. / and who can explain these things?” Threads of interconnection stretch far beyond our comprehension. As the infinite domino effect of each act, word, intention, or situation begins to seep into our cores, she invites, “now tell me the story of your life / (whoever you are) go on / i Double Dare you! / tell me the story of your life / without once touching / mine.” { read more }

Be The Change

Find a small way to contribute to a greater whole of which you are a part. Listen to others without interjecting your ideas. Do a random act of kindness. Leave a physical space better than you found it, such as by picking up litter or tidying up for the next ones to pass through.

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